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Out of the blue, our nephew Brandon asked me today, "婶婶 (Aunt), what is your Chinese name?"
The question took me by surprise. This means that the four-year old is now aware that the adults, like his classmates at the childcare centre, too come individually packed with their own names - with Chinese, English and dialect variations to boot.
I hesitated with my answer. For all our pally good times, the nephews have never known my name. For a moment there, I had a vision of an Internet chatroom pal suddenly demanding to know my real identity. Was I going to tell?
Nope, I chickened out. "My Chinese name is 婶婶,", I told the boy.
;)
"独", 很深
让三点半的午后, 比午夜更寂静
未成型的思绪
或随呼吸蒸发去, 或象冰块化不去
不是缥缈, 就是哽咽
"惜独"
难道也是一种病
让人渐渐步向"声"亡?
前两天带爸爸去看医生.他看着医生们在医院里忙着, 又说了, 如果你和妹妹当年是读医科的,那有多好.
已经不是第一次听他这么说了.
又和妈妈谈到阿姨. 她说, 年轻时的阿姨也算是专业人士, 后来为了能照顾孩子,放弃了工作,当起家庭主妇. 她的牺牲, 造就了三个孩子的成功, 培育了三个前途光明的人才. 我暗自庆幸, 还好我不是阿姨的女儿, 要不然她一定后悔死 - 牺牲了, 培育出的仍是一个庸人.
我忍不住,还是和妈妈说了, 孩子是孩子, 自己是自己, 可不可以不要把两件事扯在一起? 把自己的成就感, 建立在儿女的成功与否, 是不是对儿女的压力太大了? 是否剥夺了儿女日后选择的权利?某某妈妈为了照顾年幼的女儿放弃了自己的事业, 日后女儿长大有了自己的孩子后, 是否还有权力也选择放弃事业, 在家当全职妈妈? 还是会有种无形的压力, 要努力地让上一代的牺牲与"投资", 得到最大的效应, 获得最大的回报, 所以非得"越成功越好?"
拼命地往前跑, 压力固然很大, 但坚持平淡,普通, 压力也不小.
满足于 "丰衣足食", "够吃够用" 的小幸福, 维持得很吃力.
你忘了。
我笑了。
放下了。
可以了。
...to say hi to those who missed me. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging - I'm not sure what's gotten into me but I have been in a perpetual state of blankness of late. I don't want to think very much, and what naturally follows is that I don't write very much either.
But here's just a quick update on what's going on in my life right now. We celebrated my birthday yesterday, in our usual quiet way. The mister took a day off work and we set off for a dimsum lunch and then scrambled back home again to lay our hands on the Nintendo Wii he got me. I'm nursing an aching arm now from all the cyber-tennis. ;)
Thoughts on turning a year older...well, usually I'm not one to be afraid of growing older, but this time I resent the reminder that my biological clock is ticking away. It's unsettling. Maybe we will never get there and I should just ignore the ticking of the clock since it's probably irrelevant, but the noise is...infinitely irritating. So for now, I say, somebody kill that alarm clock please.
Other than that annoying bit, life's generally fine, life goes on.
And my favourite line of the day is,
"Flooded, burnt, baked and frozen,
grass can withstand it all."
- as quoted from the documentary Planet Earth
Zachary makes a mess of the living room and their mum asks both boys to pick up the toys before they are allowed a candy treat. Brandon is reluctant because he did not mess up the room, it was Zachary who did.
Their mum: "If you don't help your brother Zachary clean this mess up, he won't get to eat this candy."
Brandon (without missing a beat): "Does that mean I can have both pieces of candy?"
=__=||
...coz' I have been gorging myself silly on mindless indulgences like Internet TV, Facebook games and simply doing nothing. I know it is therapeutic because I am longer afraid of my handphone's ringtone. Yes, long long ago, in a workplace galaxy one month ago, I was so keyed up I literally jumped whenever I heard my handphone ring. I have since changed my ringtone, haha.
So, life is a blissful blank right now. I'll be back when I snap out of this lalala state.
这一年来, 生活过得很紧绷，现在突然慢了下来, 需要时间适应。时间上的分配，金钱上的支配，都需要调整。
还好，因为摆脱了上班族的忙碌，不需要用消费来减压 ，恰恰适合缩了水的荷包。
对物质的欲望减少了，有点在为生活解毒 (detox) 的感觉。
又推掉了另一份不错的全职工作，得到的结论是， 虽然对自己想要的有点模糊， 对自己所不想要的，却是清楚得很。 这也算是向前迈进了一步吧。
选择了放弃朝九晚五的安定，害怕吗？说真的，有一点。这种自由，是要用钱买的：原本能领的年薪，就是这自由的价码。买了这么贵的自由，会害怕 “下错了赌注”，回报不及本钱， 得不偿失。不过，如果因为害怕（怕输心理+对未知的恐惧）而死抓着不放，又怎么可能让自己有机会出走出这已经走了太久的框框呢？
放得下， 这是我的财富，让我有本钱能去开拓不一样的精彩。
来临的一年里，任务就是出去走走，听听别人的故事，体会生活中大大小小的感动。值不值得，日后自然会有分晓。
